Friendship #1: We were kids, in KG to be particular. I obviously don't remember much except that I actually like her. She travels. Friendship is over.
Friendship #2: Again I am still a KG student. I didn't like this friend as much as I liked friend number one. I don't remember why or anything. I travel. Friendship is over.
Friendship #3: We moved to a new school, new city. It was really hard making a friend. Everyone seemed to be in their own little exclusive group. Yet somehow I became your friend. I don't remember much about our Friendship but you were in my graduating class and I have to say we were very different people. Friendship is over.
Friendship#4: We fought to be friends. It seems silly now. You already had a best friend but you didn't like her. We fight a little with your best friend until you are my best friend. This was actually one of my longest Friendships. about 3-4 years. Technically, When we talk now it's as if nothing has changed. But the world somehow separated us in Every single way. I am glad though that we can talk as if we were still Best Friends and all. I can't talk to you now though. You didn't talk to me. Friendship is over.
Friendship #5: Technically this friendship was happening at the same time friendships number 3 and 4 were happening. It also lasted very long. This time I can actually remember what went wrong. You wanted me to be all to yourself. I wasn't allowed to speak to anyone else. You always thought you were better. I mean who likes to feel like they are inferior? We occasionally wish each other Happy Birthday. But we again just went separate ways. Friendship is Over.
Friendship #6: So this is actually a group of people. It felt great to be within a group. We all went separate ways. I was particularly close to 2 people. The both traveled. I talked a couple of years to one of them. I was supposed to meet with the other. Funny how life is. Friendship is Over.
Friendship #7: Again a group of people. Felt great. Until well we lost a member. I was the next member that the group would lose.
Friendship#8: Magical number 8?Maybe. This was different. And as epic, as it was when it started, it was equally epic when it ended(or I am trying to end it, but my heart is not letting me.) To me, there is no more hope. Even if we still talk, it'll never feel the same. I kind of know what I want now a little better. You don't seem interested. I think it's worth mentioning how much I fought for you. This time I didn't fight with your ex-best friend, I was fighting with myself. Friendship is over. (I am sorry .part of this is not your fault and a part of it is. I wish we could be friends again)
Friendship #9: You are literally one of the most supportive people I ever met. But in a way Ik you are bad for me. I am bad for you. It was again epic but a different kind of epic. I am trying to end it but my heart is not letting me. I kind of know what I want and it's not what you want. I am not sure how to tell you. Again I wasn't fighting with anyone but myself. It was a different fight. It was a fight to be humane. to be fair. In friendship#7 I simply kept thinking how unfair it was to me. In friendship #8 I also kept thinking the same. It seems like you might see me the bad one in this story. But will you tell me? What will I do when you do? As much as I would want it to continue, Friendship is Over.
Friendship #10: I am not sure you belong on this list and in a way the previous friendship doesn't either. You are so great. But I never feel like we click. It's very mean of me to say but I mostly don't feel like I enjoy my time with you. We don't even understand each other. But you are so dear to my heart. We are more like sisters. I am not ready to let go of you. You are what makes our place home.
you did very much misunderstand me before that I never wanted to talk to you again. My heart is not letting me. I can't see us being what I wish to have. I won't say that our friendship is over because Maybe this will be so unexpected and it will be better than what I want.
Friendship #11: I shouldn't let you be #11. but well here you are. This is also a group. I felt very free with you people. But I just don't anymore. Friendship is Over.
This post feels very gloomy. However, I am okay. It's all Okay. I don't blame anyone except well myself. Cause if I can't keep all those great people then the problem is def with me.
Somedays I am hopeless and some days I am not. I'll keep looking for that friend I wished for and the group of people that I actually belong in. But it feels like I need to fix myself first. Thing is I am not sure what to fix. I mean when I think about myself and try not to attack myself I think I am a decent person. (Regardless of how the last couple of days I kept thinking that it was all an illusion and I am actually a terrible person and everyone secretly hates me that why they suddenly just leave me alone cause they can't hide their hatred any longer. More on that in the Rant section below)I asked most of those friends what they didn't like about me, why everything ended and none of them said I was the problem. Maybe I am not. But one thing is sure, I need to stop attacking myself. Maybe I am the friend I am looking for.
Rant:
So for some reason, I've had a couple of weeks of depressing and suicidal thoughts. I have to say I mean I am a happy person. Usually very cheerful. I have no reason to have had those thoughts. It was very weird listening to my brain saying the most random things. I hated everyone and it seemed like everyone hated me. I felt like a burden to life. Like I wasn't shouldn't be living. I felt like I felt in one of the friendships like everything I say is stupid and useless. It felt like a bubble about to explode all the time. It was all so weird that I was about to pray to die.
I didn't want to talk to the two friends I still have because I feel like voicing those thoughts out loud will make them real. Like I actually thought those things. I didn't want to believe I thought of things like that. I didn't want to attract attention. I talked to my all time best friend and she helped me so much until I felt hate towards her too. I hated everything.
I am really glad that somehow all this is over. It just went away. I wish it stays away.
If anyone I know. anyone of those friends come across this post, you might not know it's you and there are a couple of people that I didn't mention, I just want to tell all of you that I am sorry I might not have been the friend you wanted. I want you all to know that I really did fight in every single Friendship (except the first three). I loved each of you so much that leaving you broke me. I am sorry for every saying anything that hurt you. I promise I never wanted to say or do anything to hurt or annoy you. When any of you text me I feel so great like life has come back to me. I hope that whatever and wherever you are, you are Happy and not lonely.
If I ever come back to read this post, I want me to know that It's okay. That you are okay. You might not be the best at anything, you might not ever have that friend you want but you have you forever. Make you so great that you don't need anyone else.
Friendship #2: Again I am still a KG student. I didn't like this friend as much as I liked friend number one. I don't remember why or anything. I travel. Friendship is over.
Friendship #3: We moved to a new school, new city. It was really hard making a friend. Everyone seemed to be in their own little exclusive group. Yet somehow I became your friend. I don't remember much about our Friendship but you were in my graduating class and I have to say we were very different people. Friendship is over.
Friendship#4: We fought to be friends. It seems silly now. You already had a best friend but you didn't like her. We fight a little with your best friend until you are my best friend. This was actually one of my longest Friendships. about 3-4 years. Technically, When we talk now it's as if nothing has changed. But the world somehow separated us in Every single way. I am glad though that we can talk as if we were still Best Friends and all. I can't talk to you now though. You didn't talk to me. Friendship is over.
Friendship #5: Technically this friendship was happening at the same time friendships number 3 and 4 were happening. It also lasted very long. This time I can actually remember what went wrong. You wanted me to be all to yourself. I wasn't allowed to speak to anyone else. You always thought you were better. I mean who likes to feel like they are inferior? We occasionally wish each other Happy Birthday. But we again just went separate ways. Friendship is Over.
Friendship #6: So this is actually a group of people. It felt great to be within a group. We all went separate ways. I was particularly close to 2 people. The both traveled. I talked a couple of years to one of them. I was supposed to meet with the other. Funny how life is. Friendship is Over.
Friendship #7: Again a group of people. Felt great. Until well we lost a member. I was the next member that the group would lose.
Friendship#8: Magical number 8?Maybe. This was different. And as epic, as it was when it started, it was equally epic when it ended(or I am trying to end it, but my heart is not letting me.) To me, there is no more hope. Even if we still talk, it'll never feel the same. I kind of know what I want now a little better. You don't seem interested. I think it's worth mentioning how much I fought for you. This time I didn't fight with your ex-best friend, I was fighting with myself. Friendship is over. (I am sorry .part of this is not your fault and a part of it is. I wish we could be friends again)
Friendship #9: You are literally one of the most supportive people I ever met. But in a way Ik you are bad for me. I am bad for you. It was again epic but a different kind of epic. I am trying to end it but my heart is not letting me. I kind of know what I want and it's not what you want. I am not sure how to tell you. Again I wasn't fighting with anyone but myself. It was a different fight. It was a fight to be humane. to be fair. In friendship#7 I simply kept thinking how unfair it was to me. In friendship #8 I also kept thinking the same. It seems like you might see me the bad one in this story. But will you tell me? What will I do when you do? As much as I would want it to continue, Friendship is Over.
Friendship #10: I am not sure you belong on this list and in a way the previous friendship doesn't either. You are so great. But I never feel like we click. It's very mean of me to say but I mostly don't feel like I enjoy my time with you. We don't even understand each other. But you are so dear to my heart. We are more like sisters. I am not ready to let go of you. You are what makes our place home.
you did very much misunderstand me before that I never wanted to talk to you again. My heart is not letting me. I can't see us being what I wish to have. I won't say that our friendship is over because Maybe this will be so unexpected and it will be better than what I want.
Friendship #11: I shouldn't let you be #11. but well here you are. This is also a group. I felt very free with you people. But I just don't anymore. Friendship is Over.
This post feels very gloomy. However, I am okay. It's all Okay. I don't blame anyone except well myself. Cause if I can't keep all those great people then the problem is def with me.
Somedays I am hopeless and some days I am not. I'll keep looking for that friend I wished for and the group of people that I actually belong in. But it feels like I need to fix myself first. Thing is I am not sure what to fix. I mean when I think about myself and try not to attack myself I think I am a decent person. (Regardless of how the last couple of days I kept thinking that it was all an illusion and I am actually a terrible person and everyone secretly hates me that why they suddenly just leave me alone cause they can't hide their hatred any longer. More on that in the Rant section below)I asked most of those friends what they didn't like about me, why everything ended and none of them said I was the problem. Maybe I am not. But one thing is sure, I need to stop attacking myself. Maybe I am the friend I am looking for.
Rant:
So for some reason, I've had a couple of weeks of depressing and suicidal thoughts. I have to say I mean I am a happy person. Usually very cheerful. I have no reason to have had those thoughts. It was very weird listening to my brain saying the most random things. I hated everyone and it seemed like everyone hated me. I felt like a burden to life. Like I wasn't shouldn't be living. I felt like I felt in one of the friendships like everything I say is stupid and useless. It felt like a bubble about to explode all the time. It was all so weird that I was about to pray to die.
I didn't want to talk to the two friends I still have because I feel like voicing those thoughts out loud will make them real. Like I actually thought those things. I didn't want to believe I thought of things like that. I didn't want to attract attention. I talked to my all time best friend and she helped me so much until I felt hate towards her too. I hated everything.
I am really glad that somehow all this is over. It just went away. I wish it stays away.
If anyone I know. anyone of those friends come across this post, you might not know it's you and there are a couple of people that I didn't mention, I just want to tell all of you that I am sorry I might not have been the friend you wanted. I want you all to know that I really did fight in every single Friendship (except the first three). I loved each of you so much that leaving you broke me. I am sorry for every saying anything that hurt you. I promise I never wanted to say or do anything to hurt or annoy you. When any of you text me I feel so great like life has come back to me. I hope that whatever and wherever you are, you are Happy and not lonely.
If I ever come back to read this post, I want me to know that It's okay. That you are okay. You might not be the best at anything, you might not ever have that friend you want but you have you forever. Make you so great that you don't need anyone else.
No comments:
Post a Comment