I am the Problem. I am meant to be lonely.

Friendship #1: We were kids, in KG to be particular. I obviously don't remember much except that I actually like her. She travels. Friendship is over.
Friendship #2: Again I am still a KG student. I didn't like this friend as much as I liked friend number one. I don't remember why or anything. I travel. Friendship is over.
Friendship #3: We moved to a new school, new city. It was really hard making a friend. Everyone seemed to be in their own little exclusive group. Yet somehow I became your friend. I don't remember much about our Friendship but you were in my graduating class and I have to say we were very different people. Friendship is over.
Friendship#4: We fought to be friends. It seems silly now. You already had a best friend but you didn't like her. We fight a little with your best friend until you are my best friend. This was actually one of my longest Friendships. about 3-4 years. Technically, When we talk now it's as if nothing has changed. But the world somehow separated us in Every single way. I am glad though that we can talk as if we were still Best Friends and all. I can't talk to you now though. You didn't talk to me. Friendship is over.
Friendship #5: Technically this friendship was happening at the same time friendships number 3 and 4 were happening. It also lasted very long. This time I can actually remember what went wrong. You wanted me to be all to yourself. I wasn't allowed to speak to anyone else. You always thought you were better. I mean who likes to feel like they are inferior? We occasionally wish each other Happy Birthday. But we again just went separate ways. Friendship is Over.
Friendship #6: So this is actually a group of people. It felt great to be within a group. We all went separate ways. I was particularly close to 2 people. The both traveled. I talked a couple of years to one of them. I was supposed to meet with the other. Funny how life is. Friendship is Over.
Friendship #7: Again a group of people. Felt great. Until well we lost a member. I was the next member that the group would lose.
Friendship#8: Magical number 8?Maybe. This was different. And as epic, as it was when it started, it was equally epic when it ended(or I am trying to end it, but my heart is not letting me.) To me, there is no more hope. Even if we still talk, it'll never feel the same. I kind of know what I want now a little better. You don't seem interested. I think it's worth mentioning how much I fought for you. This time I didn't fight with your ex-best friend, I was fighting with myself. Friendship is over. (I am sorry .part of this is not your fault and a part of it is. I wish we could be friends again)
Friendship #9: You are literally one of the most supportive people I ever met. But in a way Ik you are bad for me. I am bad for you. It was again epic but a different kind of epic. I am trying to end it but my heart is not letting me. I kind of know what I want and it's not what you want. I am not sure how to tell you. Again I wasn't fighting with anyone but myself. It was a different fight. It was a fight to be humane. to be fair. In friendship#7 I simply kept thinking how unfair it was to me. In friendship #8 I also kept thinking the same. It seems like you might see me the bad one in this story. But will you tell me? What will I do when you do? As much as I would want it to continue, Friendship is Over.
Friendship #10: I am not sure you belong on this list and in a way the previous friendship doesn't either. You are so great. But I never feel like we click. It's very mean of me to say but I mostly don't feel like I enjoy my time with you. We don't even understand each other. But you are so dear to my heart. We are more like sisters. I am not ready to let go of you. You are what makes our place home.
you did very much misunderstand me before that I never wanted to talk to you again. My heart is not letting me. I can't see us being what I wish to have. I won't say that our friendship is over because Maybe this will be so unexpected and it will be better than what I want.
Friendship #11: I shouldn't let you be #11. but well here you are. This is also a group. I felt very free with you people. But I just don't anymore.  Friendship is Over.

This post feels very gloomy. However, I am okay. It's all Okay. I don't blame anyone except well myself. Cause if I can't keep all those great people then the problem is def with me.
Somedays I am hopeless and some days I am not. I'll keep looking for that friend I wished for and the group of people that I actually belong in. But it feels like I need to fix myself first. Thing is I am not sure what to fix. I mean when I think about myself and try not to attack myself I think I am a decent person. (Regardless of how the last couple of days I kept thinking that it was all an illusion and I am actually a terrible person and everyone secretly hates me that why they suddenly just leave me alone cause they can't hide their hatred any longer. More on that in the Rant section below)I asked most of those friends what they didn't like about me, why everything ended and none of them said I was the problem. Maybe I am not. But one thing is sure, I need to stop attacking myself.  Maybe I am the friend I am looking for.

Rant:
So for some reason, I've had a couple of weeks of depressing and suicidal thoughts. I have to say I mean I am a happy person. Usually very cheerful. I have no reason to have had those thoughts. It was very weird listening to my brain saying the most random things. I hated everyone and it seemed like everyone hated me. I felt like a burden to life. Like I wasn't shouldn't be living. I felt like I felt in one of the friendships like everything I say is stupid and useless. It felt like a bubble about to explode all the time. It was all so weird that I was about to pray to die.
I didn't want to talk to the two friends I still have because I feel like voicing those thoughts out loud will make them real. Like I actually thought those things. I didn't want to believe I thought of things like that. I didn't want to attract attention. I talked to my all time best friend and she helped me so much until I felt hate towards her too. I hated everything.
I am really glad that somehow all this is over. It just went away. I wish it stays away.

If anyone I know. anyone of those friends come across this post, you might not know it's you and there are a couple of people that I didn't mention, I just want to tell all of you that I am sorry I might not have been the friend you wanted. I want you all to know that I really did fight in every single Friendship (except the first three). I loved each of you so much that leaving you broke me. I am sorry for every saying anything that hurt you. I promise I never wanted to say or do anything to hurt or annoy you. When any of you text me I feel so great like life has come back to me. I hope that whatever and wherever you are, you are Happy and not lonely.
If I ever come back to read this post, I want me to know that It's okay. That you are okay. You might not be the best at anything, you might not ever have that friend you want but you have you forever. Make you so great that you don't need anyone else.

Brain Dump 1

"You can't be everything for someone just as someone can't be everything to you."

"It's the expectation that someone can be everything to you that kills the relationship"
Now what? where do I go from here?

"Is it unhealthy to spend so much time with someone?"

I constantly ask myself why I needed a break from my friends. it scares me. why is it that every time I get close to someone, I push them away? Is it because I spend so much time with them? Is there something wrong with me? Am I mean for not enjoying every second of my time with people?
Am I selfish for stepping back? Is that what happened with Friend 7?
I mean, it seems true to me. Every time I spend so much time with someone something happens.
But does that mean it's unhealthy? or are they just not the right people?

"You shouldn't uproot your life to spend time with someone"

That is exactly what I constantly do. I shouldn't. Or should I? I don't know anything anymore.

Care less

Friendship is like a rope

Each friend is holding one side

If one side lets go or looks like they will let go or loosen their grip, the other person would have to do the same for stupidity would be holding that rope while no is on the other side.

I will act stupidly then.

I will keep holding that rope. 

Like always

But

I am tired.

I am hurt.

And yet I won’t let go now.

But Ik at some point I will be too hurt, too tired, The rope will fall out of my hand.

I will feel even worse.

I will blame myself.

But my dear self,please don’t.

Stop blaming yourself.

What can u do when u r holding the rope and seeing the other side loosen their grip? U tell them to pay attention. They pull for a while. Then they loosen their grip.

Shall u speak up again? Or shall u let the events happen as they will?

Or shall u drop your side and get out of this without hurting any further?

But u will hurt later. 

U will to be blamed.

No u shall hurt yourself than hurt them.

U shall bear the pain.

My dear self, stay strong.

My dear self, I promise u what is meant to be will be.

I promise u u will be fine.

Ik it hurts.

Ik it hurts really bad.

But I don’t think u should let go yet.

But it hurts so much.

I am pushing myself too much.

I can’t afford to break again. 

Then don’t break my dear self.

Why can’t I not care so much.

Just let whoever do whatever.

I see no way out of this but for u my dear self to care less.

The less u care the less u will be hurt, the less likely u will break

But how do I care less?

Please help me

How do I care less?

Be brave: pull away, stay away

The question is can I stop?

Ik it will eventually happen

But we don’t stop living because we know death is coming

But we do things while living to prepare for death

Then, what things should I do to prepare for this?

Should I learn to be quiet?

Should I continue sharing?

Should I push away?

Or enjoy the last few moments?

Isn’t it less painful if I pull away instead of the other way around?

It’s less painful to me

Or is it?

I can’t see the pain in people

Especially if it’s something I did

But the question here is if Learned anything

They don’t care

They would hurt me and never look back

They would leave me and it hurts so bad

Sometimes it isn’t what someone did

It’s how it related to what happened before

I know this action

To pretend to be strangers

And I hate it

Why should it be so complicated

Can’t two people just be friends and stay friends?

Or maybe I am just one of those people who is meant to be friendless

Maybe that’s why nothing works out

I am not giving up

I will even slowly back away

It will be painful

It will be bad

But instead of them pulling away all the way suddenly and stabbing me

I’d rather slowly stab myself 

I’d rather have time to speak to myself through it

Nothing is wrong with me

I was just born in with the wrong generation

Now the question is do I want to stop after all these conclusions?

keep your guard up

Ever feel like u belong but u don’t belong 

Ever feel like really scared of losing friends constantly?

Ever feel like u just can’t take it anymore

Ever feel like a useless person

Ever feel like optimistic but pessimistic

Ever feel like things will be alright

It’s like you love too much

You value too much

That there comes a point when you realize the others don’t hold u in that same way

And u feel stupid for loving someone too much

U feel stupid for being too attached

And it’s even worse that it keeps happening over and over again

It’s as if you will never meet someone who loved u as much

And it’s sad

But it’s even sadder that u have to constantly remind yourself to not be too attached

To not love the people around u that much

To keep your distance

To hold back

To not say everything

To keep your guard up

Cause whenever it drops

You’ll feel stupid again

Today is Tomorrow

I have always read 

“live this day like it’s your last”

 and I never followed that

More like I forget to follow it anyway

Ever been at risk of sth really big really bad?

And not dreading the moment it happens because it might never happen but thinking about the days before it happens?

I look at each day at a time

What did I do today?

Did I really live it?

Or was it just some annoying day I am counting down to reach another day?

Countdown to college

Countdown to meeting people

Countdown to go going to the cinema

What about today?

Do I have anything to do today? 

Is there anything that interests me in today?

But then that raises another question if I didn’t spend my days counting down and working for other days am I even  going to enjoy the  days I am counting for? Am I going to get to those days if I don’t work to get there?

Is there something as live each day like it’s your last when you do not care for this day but the coming day? 

What if there is a constant reminder that one day I may not be able to live the days at all? Does that force me to try and enjoy each day even if it was just a countdown for another?

What I told myself at one point during this fight

It’s not about winning now It is not about this now It is not about now This is just a stepping stone A stepping stone You guessed it It was your first time There was your first time You do not need this You are fine You are perfect You are doing great
This must have happened for a reason A really important reason You just do not know it now Be patient Be strong
Be courageous
DREAMS DO COME TRUE